


The Day After Valentines Day

by ifiOnlyhadmorePaper



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Endgame Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, Established Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, Eventual Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell, F/F, F/M, Fame, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, High School, I Don't Even Know, Light Angst, Some Humor, Soulmates, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-10-29 19:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 12,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17814548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper/pseuds/ifiOnlyhadmorePaper
Summary: This is a series of Valentine's day over the years that Beca and Chloe have known each other.Follow me on Tumblrhttps://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper





	1. Tell Me You Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> SO this one is really sad. Put on your angst pants, kids.

* * *

  _February 15, 2018_

   Love is patient. Love is kind. Beca questioned whether or not it was still love what she was feeling or if this was something different. Something toxic and furious, unlike the things that love is. “Becs…”

   “No,” Beca stopped zipping her suitcase immediately to glare at Chloe, who was standing on the other side of the bed. “Stop.” She and Chloe hadn’t been on the greatest terms. Beca wasn’t sure if she could say they were on any terms at all lately, with the amount of times she’d actually talked to Chloe in the last year or so. She’d graduated from vet school, and Beca couldn’t be more thrilled for her girlfriend, but as soon as she was swept up by one of the best clinics in LA Beca hardly ever saw her.

   “I can be better, I-I-”

   “No!” The volume of her voice startled them both. “No, Chloe, you don't get to do this to me.” She finished the task at hand and started wheeling her suitcase down the hall. Chloe would get home so late and be so exhausted she would have sleep for dinner, and Beca could understand because she had those days too. But soon those days would turn into weeks, and sleep for dinner turned into fights. Beca was finding it harder to be patient.

   “What do you want from me, Beca? Do you just expect me to be here all the time? I have a _real_ job, I-” Beca turned to face her, not even bothering to hide the hurt. Chloe needed to see it. She needed to see what she was doing. Beca couldn’t wait up for her at night, just to fight with her until they were both exhausted and fell asleep. Beca hated going to sleep angry, but as of late, that was the only kind of sleep she could manage.

   “You know what I expect?” She stopped, releasing her vice grip on the handle. “You to be here, Chloe. To be _with_ me, I don't care if you leave at nine and come back after midnight, I don't care if you get into bed smelling like dog hair!” She turned to face her fully. “I expected you to be here even though you're somewhere else, and you're not. I’m tired of being alone.” Beca watched her shrink and she turned back around again to keep tugging along her suitcase.

   “Bec-”

   “Stop.”

   “Beca, please-”

   “No, I’m sick of it.” She grabbed her coat from the chair in the kitchen and started pulling it on. “You only want me when I'm not here and I can't do this anymore, and I _won't_ do this anymore.” Beca wanted so badly to fix their relationship, she made reservations at a five star restaurant for Valentines day and bought her a beautiful new dress to wear to dinner, but Chloe had come home briefly just to shower and tell her she couldn’t make it because she was pulling a double, and that conversation turned into a screaming match that resulted in her decision to leave.

   “So you're just gonna give up?” Beca kept walking, until she finally reached the front door. “Just like that?”

   “Don’t you dare do this to me.” Beca seethed, turning fast on her heels. “Don't you _dare_ do this to me, Chloe. I didn't give up, I tried so hard to make things work, and you… you just stopped trying.”

   “No I didn’t!”

   “No, no,” Beca argued, closing her eyes with her finger extended out to her. “It's not fair that somehow, no matter what I do, I always end up the bad guy, like I kicked the puppy, but you have been killing me slowly, making me think we can get out of this.”

   “We can!”

   “How?” she whispered, trying to level her voice. “Do you expect me to keep waiting around for you, Chloe? Is that it?”

   “No.”

   “Then why do you?” she opened her eyes to find Chloe staring back at her, so wide eyed, her mouth slightly open. She waited quietly for an answer, and as the seconds ticked on and a full minute had passed by, it was clear to her that Chloe wasn't going to answer. Beca sighed heavily, and shook her head more at herself than anybody else and turned for the door, hauling her suitcase behind her. She couldn’t be sure what hurt more, leaving or not hearing any footsteps chasing after her.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	2. Give Your Heart A Break

* * *

  _February 9th, 2010_

   One thing Beca was not, was a fan of school functions. Decathlon? No, thanks. Pep rally? Nope. Basketball game or football? Absolutely not. She _especially_ wouldn’t be caught dead at a school dance of any kind, homecoming or prom, or any other ridiculous excuse to buy an overpriced dress at the mall. Which is exactly what her best friend was asking her to do. “Come on, Becs, it’s just one school dance!” Chloe argued. “One of the last ones before we move on with our lives!”

   “I still don’t see the point in drinking shitty punch and watching everyone bump and grind.” Beca sighed, as she pulled out a stack of popcorn buckets. “Are you here to watch a movie, or just to harass me at work?” she said with an arched eyebrow, watching the redhead smile mischievously as she leaned on the counter.

   “What else would I do with my Saturday, Bec?”

   “Obviously not anything productive, now move so I can get some work done.” She ordered coming around the counter to wipe the display glass.

   “Not until you say yes to the V-day dance.” Beca glared at her, setting the rag over her shoulder, and putting one hand on her hip.

   “What part of ‘I refuse to celebrate a stupid commercial holiday’ do you not understand?”

   “I just don’t know why you won’t agree to go, I mean, it’s just Valentine’s day-” then it seemed like something clicked inside Chloe’s mind, and a teasing smile took over her face, making Beca regret coming into work. “Is this because you don't have a Valentine?” Beca rolled her eyes and lightly shoved Chloe’s hip so she could clean the glass.

   “Oh my god, that’s why isn’t it?” It was true, Beca didn’t have a Valentine, but it wasn’t because she was undesirable or unpopular, she had three boys in her class and her older brother’s best friend asking what she was doing that day. She didn’t have a Valentine because she didn’t want anybody else except the one person she couldn’t have. Chloe.

   “We can totally get you a Valentine, um…” Beca just kept wiping the glass until all the butter and finger smudges were gone. “What about Jesse? He’s cute and I think he has a crush on you.” Beca stood up to find Chloe with a victorious smile on her face, thinking she’d solved the problem.

   “I know he has a crush on me.” Beca said, walking back around to put her cleaning supplies away.

   “See! It’s perfect, you can say ‘you’re welcome’ now.” she pulled out a brand new box of variety candy and started restocking the display.

   “Already turned him down, sorry.” Beca mumbled. Chloe pouted and then resumed her thinking position.

   “What about Luke? I heard he just broke up with his girlfriend.” Beca threw a discarded popcorn kernel from the floor at her, and shook her head.

   “Yeah, he calls me ‘Becky’ so…” Chloe grimaced and agreed with her. Beca rolled her eyes, when she turned around to clean the slushie machine. Chloe Beale was beautiful, smart, and funny, she was a lot of things. One of those things was extremely and painfully oblivious.

   “What about Benji?”

   “Emily has a crush on him.”

   “Oh yeah…” Chloe hopped onto the counter and her face suddenly started glowing. “What about Teddy?”

   “ _Theo_ isn’t a student.” Beca said as she swept behind the counter.

   “So, get him to chaperone.” Chloe said with a wicked grin on her face.

   “Ew.” Chloe groaned and walked behind the counter to across from Beca.

   “You said you didn’t have a Valentine, but you can’t keep turning down my ideas. Beggars can’t be choosers, you know.” Beca set the broom aside and looked at her.

   “I’m not begging, now get outta here before you get me fired.” Chloe walked back around and she threw her hands up in exasperation.

   “You’re so difficult.”

   “Thanks.” Beca leaned against the counter. Chloe leaned across, making Beca’s breath hitch in her throat, she was only inches away from her face.

   “Beca?” Chloe purred, making shivers run down her spine. Beca hummed in response, not trusting herself to respond. “Will you be my Valentine?”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Give Your Heart A Break by Demi Lovato
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	3. Sweet Escape

* * *

  _February 15th, 2015_

   Beca shoved her sunglasses up her nose and she breathed out, turning her car off. It was a simple task, all she had to do was walk in, get the candy, and then leave. It shouldn't be that hard to do. See, she hates Valentine's day. It's all overpriced and overrated, why make someone you love feel special for one day instead of everyday?

   The only thing good that comes from Valentine's day is the candy that goes on sale immediately after. It is tradition to go candy shopping the next day after, and since this year Beca didn't have a Valentine or anyone special, she didn't have anything holding her back.

   Except one thing.

   Beca Mitchell is a fairly well known music artist and actress, and the paparazzi swarm her like bees to honey, and she didn't feel like getting dragged by TMZ for buying three bags of fun sized Valentine's candy.

   Still, tradition is tradition, and Beca wanted that candy. Screw her personal trainer, she's allowed to break the rules sometimes, so she pushed open her door and stepped out of her car. The light, barely-there breeze flowed through her hair, that fell just a little past her shoulders. She shoved her hands into her pockets and quickly made her way to the door. The small bell chimed and she swept her eyes over her surroundings, surveying the few clerks and one customer at the register.

   She darted quickly to the designated aisle and stood in front of the wide variety of treats, but from the corner of her eye, she could see a dark figure creeping around in her peripheral, and then a flash went off. Then, Beca whipped her head around, irritated with the way she had no privacy anymore. There, before her, stood Chloe Beale with a deer caught in headlights expression and her phone held out right in front of her. “It _is_ you!”

   “Yeah,” Beca said, with a light chuckle. She turned to fully face her and she pulled off her sunglasses. “How are you, Chloe?” The redhead stepped closer and smiled, putting her phone away.

   “I'm good, I'm good, what about you, superstar?”

   “Not too shabby, I guess.” She smirked and tilted her head, nonchalantly giving her a once over. A silence settled between them and Beca took it as her cue to turn her attention back to the candy.

   “Still buying your own Valentine's I see?” She laughed and briefly looked at her.

   “Who else would I get them from?” Chloe hummed like she wanted to say something, but quickly skipped over it, and snatched a bag of Sweetart Ropes off the shelf.

   “These are really good, I could probably eat fifty of them.”

   “Really?”

   “Oh yeah,” Chloe nodded. “With, like, zero regrets.”

   “I’ll have to take your word for it then.” Beca said. She dropped a packet into her basket and grinned at her. She kept walking, picking up a big box of chocolates and put it in her basket. There was one lone package of Ghirardelli chocolate on one of the shelves and she and Chloe reached for it at the same time. “Hi.”

   “Hi.” Chloe chirped back. She almost lost herself in Chloe's deep cerulean pools, until she felt the package move under her fingertips.

   “Um, what are you doing?” She questioned, feeling the bag completely stop moving.

   “Getting chocolate, what are you doing?”

   “Oh, no ham, no ma'am,” Beca countered, pulling the bag off the shelf. “I got this first.”

   “No way,” Chloe said as she yanked the bag from her hands. “You wouldn't have been able to reach it if I didn't grab it first.”

   “Give me the chocolate, Beale.”

   “Make me.” Beca stared her dead in the eye and saw the evident challenge shining through them. She then quickly moved her hands just under her armpits, at the side of her ribs, and tickled the woman. “No! Stop! Stop!” Chloe screamed through laughter. Beca didn't stop, she kept going, watching Chloe unsuccessfully try to fight her off. Then, the chocolate fell from her grasp, and Beca was quick to pluck it up off the ground.

   “I win.” She said cheerily, watching Chloe try to catch her breath.

   “Not fair,” she pouted. “You tickled me.” Beca just shrugged and smirked at her.

   “Not my fault your nerves are hypersensitive to touch.” Chloe stuck her tongue out at her and crossed her arms. “I'll tell you what, I'll let you have some.”

   “You'll share your chocolate with me?” Beca nodded and Chloe gave her an incredulous look. “Who are you and what have you done to Rebeca Mitchell?” she laughed and shoved her before walking up to the counter. The cashier rang her up and she walked with Chloe to her car and invited her inside.

   “So, what has Beca Mitchell been doing lately?” She opened the bag and handed Chloe a chocolate.

   “Well, I just wrapped a movie.”

   “Oh, yeah I heard about that, comes out next month right?”

   “Yep.” Beca shoved a piece of chocolate in her mouth and nodded.

   “Well, as interesting as that is, I was kind of wondering about you away from all of that.” She arched an eyebrow at her and swallowed.

   “I literally wear sweatpants when I'm not anywhere important.” Chloe laughed and ate another piece of chocolate.

   “Are doing anything not important soon?”

   “On Saturday,” Beca said, watching her eyes shine at her, making her feel some type of way. “Why?”

   “Can I… maybe… I don't know, do something not important with you?” Chloe cringed at her words and Beca made a mental note of the hesitation in her voice.

   “Like a date?” She inquired bravely.

   “Yes…” she let her s drag out with a long hiss. Beca blinked and looked at her one more time, trying to decide if it were actually happening or if it was just a really inconvenient time to be having a stroke. “If not, it's totally cool, I mean, I'd be fine or whatever-”

   “Chloe.”

   “Sorry if that, like, weirded you out or something-”

   “Chloe,” Beca laughed, making her stop talking and look at her. “Yes.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	4. Guys My Age

* * *

  _February 14th, 2002_

   The classroom was totally quiet, except for the dull voice of Britney Spears coming from the teachers radio, that sat just beside a big red apple. Beca looked down at her white shirt seeing the bright red fruit punch seeping into the fabric, dampening the skin underneath, already making a sticky-icky feeling settle on her nerves.

   Then, after an almost painful beat of silence, the entire class came to life with mocking and boisterous laughter, fingers pointed in her directions while Jimmy Macovitz dropped his cup to allow himself to dramatically fold over in laughter.

   “W-Wh-What’s w-wrong, B-B-Beca?” he teased, with an exaggerated stutter to overplay hers. She felt her face getting hot with anger, she could only ball up her fists, knowing that opening her mouth would make it worse.

   “Y-Yeah, w-what’s wrong, B-Beca? B-Baby sp-spill s-some j-j-juice?” said another boy. She felt tears leaking out of the corners of her eyes, and she covered her face, her body unmoving even though she wanted to be far, far, far away from where she was at.

   “Oh, look! She’s c-c-crying!” then she moved her hands and ran out of the classroom, and she listened to the echoes of her feet against the linoleum. She didn’t stop until she reached the backstage of the auditorium, and she plopped herself down on the stage slightly behind the curtain and she looked at the darkened room, that was usually filled to the brim with parents watching their children act in Peter Pan and The Wizard of Oz.

   She could never land any other role except the few extras that would linger in the back but would never speak. She could never get past her twisting, tripping, tangle tongue that tossed the words out in a manner too hurried to come out in solid syllables.

   She sat there, knowing full well that her parents would be upset with her for disappearing. She didn’t care, they were always mad anyway. The air was cold and she was so focused on the faint glow in the center stage, that she almost didn’t notice a sweater being thrusted in her direction. “Hey,” she looked at those criminally colorful cerulean eyes and looked away, not accepting the sweater right away.

   Chloe sat down next to her and she set the sweater in her lap, not giving her the option to reject it. She couldn’t figure out if it bugged her more that she wouldn’t take no for an answer, or if every time she’d agree with her she’d have a great time, but she guessed that both were okay with her. “You okay?”

   “N-N-No.” she harshly inhaled at herself, frustrated with the way her stutter wouldn’t leave her. “I-I-I h-hate-hate this.” She muttered, as she toyed with the sleeve of the garment in her lap. “I’m s-su-such-ch a fr-freak.” she wiped more tears away with the back of her hand and when she put it back down, Chloe’s hand clamped right over hers, forcing her to look her in the eyes.

   “You’re not a freak, Becs. Not to me.” Chloe smiled and she laced their fingers together. “And don’t worry about Jimmy, boys are so dumb anyways.”

   “Y-Yeah.” Beca giggled, it was short lived moment when she felt the words tumbling around in the back of her throat. And as if Chloe could sense the irritation, she stood up and tugged Beca’s hand with her into the center of the stage.

   “Wh-What-” then, out of nowhere Chloe just started yelling from the top of her lungs, lyrics to Liquid Dreams by O-Town. Beca just yanked at her wrist and looked at her. “Wh-Wh-What a-are you d-doing?”

   “Come on, Becs, try it with me!” She kept screaming, or singing, the words to the song, and Beca couldn't stop herself from smiling at her. After a line or two, Chloe expectantly looked at her, and had stopped because Beca hadn't started singing. Beca felt her palms begin to sweat, and then Chloe took one of her hands, and the words began to come out, and they kept coming, she had no idea what they meant or what the song was about, but all she knew was that Chloe was looking at her like she was the star of everything.

   Anytime she sung, she noticed the way she couldn't stutter because the words came out smoother with a melody, and her tongue couldn't mangle her words, and she felt weightless.

   Her chest heaved up and down, and her cheeks were probably flushed, and Chloe stood there beaming at her. She couldn't understand how she could just make good things happen around her, or to her. She made her better and Beca didn't know how she was braver and surer with her than without her. “H-How did you do that?”

   “I didn't do it, you did.” she didn't know how, but she didn't care either. She was unstoppable with Chloe standing next to her.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Guys My Age by Hey Violet
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	5. Burning Love

* * *

  _February 14th, 2005_

   “Assholes.” Beca mumbled under her breath, as she packed away her backpack. Valentines Day had always been the worst, but this year it was just a total shitfest. After the summer of sixth grade, she lost the stutter, and during seventh grade she got just a little bit taller, and she figured that the older she got and the more changes, the less people would notice her and take time out of their day to bother her. Apparently Bumper Allen didn’t think so.

   Their science teacher, Ms. Morris, allowed for them to celebrate and bring Valentines for their friends, and Beca, surprisingly, had more Valentines than she was anticipating due to some _changes_ that happened over the summer after seventh grade. Of course, Beca had only been excited about the candy, but she didn’t get any because Bumper had taken anything that had been left on her desk. She didn’t even care about the stupid novelty cards, she only wanted the candies, but it was all gone now because one jerk didn't get the memo.

   It bothered Beca, but the only thing she could do was make her way home since the school day was officially over. The gravel crunched under her shoes, and a cool breeze weaved through all the branches in the tree. Then, just as she stepped off the curb to walk across the street, she heard panting and the gravel making louder sounds. “Beca!” And just like that, she was swept up in a flash of blues and reds.

   “Hey, Chlo.” Beca said, finally relaxing in her hold, letting her stiff muscles melt around her.

   “How was class?” She let her go, but instead of removing her hands completely, she gently held her wrist in both hands.

   “Bumper was a jerk, but what else is new?” She said flippantly, like she wasn't totally disappointed even though she really was.

   “What did he do this time?” She asked as they started walking. She looped her arm in Beca's as they stood at the crosswalk, waiting for the signal.

   “He just stole some things.” Chloe scrunched her nose and looked at her.

   “Well, that's dumb.” The signal came on, but Beca still looked left to right anyway.

   “I know.”

   “What did he steal?”

   “All my Valentines.” Beca said sourly, thinking about the fact that she didn't have any Fun Dip or heart-shaped cherry suckers to eat anymore.

   “Seriously?” Chloe exclaimed, stopping them on the sidewalk to look at her.

   “Yeah, but whatever, you know?”

   “No, not 'whatever’!” Chloe threw both her hands up. “Those were yours and somebody gave them to you, and he just took them!” It made her heart thump a little faster, and her bothered eyes softened.

   Beca looked ahead, and she saw the Corner Store right up ahead. “Come on.” She dragged Chloe by the hand, leading her up to the front door, listening to the bell chime.

   “What are we doing?” She didn't answer until she found the aisle where they kept the sweets.

   “I don't need anyone to buy candy for me, I can do that myself just fine.” She plucked a box of Fun Dip off the shelf and some Hershey Kisses.

   “Can _I_ buy you something?” Chloe asked curiously. Beca only looked at her, counting freckles, and comparing her eyes to the color of the sky, trying to find the pity and lies that she was expecting to be there. “Can I?” Chloe's voice snapped her out of her daze and she dumbly nodded.

   “Okay.” They walked up to the counter, Chloe chatted away with the store clerk, Victor, and Beca watched her, not believing that she just wanted to buy her something for no other reason than she just wanted to. It was too rare for something like that, especially on Valentine's day, and especially in a world where people are only kind when they want something from you.

   “What?” Chloe asked, as they walked out the door and back onto the sidewalk toward their neighborhood.

   “Why did you want to buy me something?” Chloe's face was free of any offense, it was soft and neutral.

   “Because I just wanted to.”

   “Oh.” Beca responded, not really believing her. But the strings in her heart tugged at themselves, tangling, in a way only Chloe could make happen. Beca didn't understand it, not yet. Maybe Chloe _did_ just do it because she wanted to. Maybe _Chloe_ was the rare good in her life.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Burning Love by Elvis Presley
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	6. Sleepover

* * *

  _February 13th, 2010_

   Beca laid on her bed, her headphones plugged into her mp3 player, the song Yellow by Coldplay blasting through her ears, as she furiously wiped her eyes. She felt an ache in her chest, like if she'd swallowed a big bite of food, or having the hiccups while trying to drink water.

   Tomorrow is the Valentine's Day dance and she knew Chloe hadn't asked her because she was interested, but because she wanted Beca to go and if not having a date was standing in the way of that then she would be her date. It wasn't because Chloe felt the same love Beca felt for her, it wasn't because she felt the air get sucked out of the atmosphere everytime Beca walked in a room. It was because Chloe wanted her _best friend_ to be there, as a 'no friends left behind’ kind of policy.

   So, as a result, Beca laid there on her bed, sobbing and listening to sad music. It wasn't until she rolled over that she saw little pebbles of some sort hitting her window. Beca sat up and precariously took her headphones off, pulling the comforter back over her legs. She couldn't be bothered by the cold floor, as she walked across to her window.

   She flinched when another pebble hit the window, summoning a deep frown to etch her features. She yanked open her window and was immediately hit on the nose with a pebble. “Ow!” she closed her eyes and hissed, and when she opened them, she peered down to find that Chloe was the assailant. “What the fuck?” She rubbed her nose and bent down to pick up the offending object. Turns out they weren't even pebbles. “Conversation hearts? Really?”

   “Yep!”

   “You could've just called, weirdo.” Beca grumbled, as she closed her window. Beca padded down the stairs, not bothering to be quiet since her mother was working graveyard. She took in a deep breath and opened the door. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” she asked as Chloe stepped inside, the candies still in her hand.

   “Tomorrow is the dance.” She hummed and became suddenly interested in the upholstery of the sofa. “You didn't say you'd go or not, so I was just wondering-” she could feel her jaw clench and unclench, and her hands twitched in her lap. She could feel Chloe's concerned eyes on her.

   Beca knew that her eyes were red and glossy, and that her cheeks were blotchy, and her hair was tousled, all neon signs pointed to 'not okay’ and 'distressed’, but she didn't need Chloe knowing why. “Bec?”

   “Yeah?”

   “Is everything okay?” Beca humorlessly chuckled and she licked her bottom lip.

   “I'm not sure that's a valid question, Beale.” She laid her hand over her knee and Beca tensed up immediately upon contact, but it soon melted when she looked into Chloe's soft and kind eyes.

   “What's going on? You can tell me anything.” She sighed and a few tears trickled out.

   “Would you… think of me different if I…” she took a deep breath in and closed her eyes, hanging her head low. “If I… was... gay?” there were the few beats of silence, and Beca knew Chloe probably had nothing more to say to her. Then, just as Beca was about to apologize and give Chloe an out, she felt a warm hand wrap around her own.

   “Hey,” her voice enticed her eyes to open, and she was met with gentle and loving smile that almost made her melt into a puddle. “Nothing you could say or do, no little part of you would make me think any less of you.” she let out a shaky breath that she'd been holding for what seemed like centuries.

   “Listen, and listen good, Rebeca Mitchell,” the use of her full name caused her to perk up. “You are kind, and beautiful, and smart, and so fucking talented,” the f bomb Chloe subtly dropped clued Beca into how serious she was.

   “You're so amazing, you are literally a gift to the universe, and nothing can change my mind about that,” she grasped her hand with both of hers and leaned in, making Beca gulp.

   “I don't care what anybody else says because you're perfect.” She stopped and moved the rogue hairs away from her face. Beca felt like there was a fire burning in her lungs, she was close, it would be so easy to just close the distance.

   “I love you,” her heart stopped and a smile started spreading across her face. “You're my best friend.” It faltered slightly and she just let a shy smile remain there as Chloe brought her into a hug.

   Of course, Chloe would only love her as a best friend, nothing more. For a second, Beca had hope, but it was squelched when she tacked on the part about being her best friend. She sighed, staying there in Chloe's arms, taking what she could get. Soon it wouldn't be enough, but she didn't want to think about that. She wanted to focus on the fact that one secret was out of the way now. The other one could wait forever because Chloe loves her, but in a best friend kind of way.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Sleepover by Hayley Kiyoko
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


	7. Capital Letters

* * *

  _February 16th, 2016_

   Sometimes being famous had its advantages. Other times it didn’t. The newest copy of some Gossip Magazine wannabes was slapped down on the desk beside her, and she could feel Chloe burning holes into the sides of her head. Beca stopped what she was doing and saved a new project to her drive, and she swiveled in her chair to face Chloe. “Hi.” Chloe said nothing, she just kept an eyebrow arched with an accusing glare.

   Beca held her breath and she grabbed the magazine off the desk. There was a picture of her and her co-star, walking out of Novo and the headline, in capital letters, read: ‘ _BECA MITCHELL AND HOLLYWOOD HUNK CHICAGO WALP DINING AT UPSCALE RESTAURANT IN DOWNTOWN LA: NEW LOVERS?!’_.

   Beca sat there considering the magazine and considering her words carefully, under Chloe’s watchful and analyzing eye. The media had been speculating her love life for years, trying to figure out who laid in bed next to her at night, and since the new actor had been in her newest film, every tabloid magazine pointed their fingers at the man and stuck two unlike things together. “Well?” Chloe yelled.

   “Well, what, Chloe?” Beca asked as she tossed the magazine back onto the desk. “What do you want me to say? It's not even real, you know that.”

   “Do I?” Chloe challenged.

   “Okay, seriously?” Beca said disbelievingly. “We're dating, and I'm _gay._ ”

   “Okay, yeah, but nobody else knows that.” Chloe agreed bitterly. Beca knew that with the fame came the intrusiveness of the media, and she knew that if literally anything she did wasn't up to the media's standards she'd bear the consequences. The criticism was even worse when it came to relationships, and _especially_ same sex relationships.

   It was ridiculous, and it infuriated her at times that people still couldn't love who they love without getting persecuted for it. It shouldn't matter, but it did, and Beca wanted to keep their relationship out of the public eye for as long as possible until Chloe was ready. Maybe she was ready now?

   “Do you want them to?” Beca asked her, sincerely. “Do you want people to know? Because I'll make it happen.” Chloe looked at her, quizzically, trying to see if she was serious. “I'll call my manager and tell him we want to make a statement, and we could line up an interview or something, I'll do that if it's something you want.”

   “But…” Chloe started. “What about work? What about the studio?” Beca crossed the distance and held Chloe's hands in hers.

   “If they don't like it then they're more than welcome to go fuck themselves.” Beca stated firmly. “Yeah, some people will have a problem with it, but we’re everything we’d ever need, it doesn’t matter what anybody else says because I love you and you love me.”

   “Bec,” Chloe whispered. “Are you sure?” The more she thought about it, the more thrilled she was about being able to share her greatest love with everyone else, instead of dancing around the questions about her love life, and being as vague as possible.

   “I'm positive.” Beca nodded, but Chloe still looked unsure. “Like, Dixie Chick serious.” She laughed and Chloe bit her lip and hesitantly nodded.

   “Okay.”

   “Yeah?” Beca asked and Chloe nodded more surely this time.

   “Yeah.” Beca cheered and kissed her sweetly, as if trying to poor her life into her. Beca wanted her to know that she was all in, even if the media would be more invasive than normal and she'd have to go through the coming out process all over again, because Chloe was worth it and she wanted her to know that and read it in a magazine somewhere in capital letters.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Capital Letters by Hailee Steinfeld 
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr


	8. What Hurts The Most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back to the same year as the first chapter.
> 
> Angst warning: nothing too bad, just some pretty bad depression.

* * *

  _February 27th, 2018_

   Beca laid there, unmoving, underneath the thick layer of blankets and used tissues. The room reeked of sadness and spilled alcohol, but still, Beca made no effort to move from the crater she's made in her brother's guest room bed. It shouldn't hurt like it did, to the point Beca couldn't move without feel the hole in her chest cracking open even wider.

   It shouldn't hurt so bad she hadn't been able to stop crying since her plane took off and her Lyft pulled up in front of her brother's house. Loving somebody shouldn't be heartbreaking.

   Somebody knocked on the door and cleared their throat. “Beca?” It was a voice she hadn't expected to come through the door, and by the sound of it she could tell they were standing outside waiting to knock again. “It's Emily.” Beca still said nothing. Not even a grunt to signal she was even alive, she just kept her eyes closed and tried not see anything or dream anything.

   “I'm coming in.” her eyes shot open, but she hissed as soon as the light hit her, briefly before Emily closed the door.

   She knew that Emily's eyes ran over the room with concern, taking note of all the empty bottles around and the waste bucket filled with more bottles and nearly a month's supply of tissues that she'd used in the past twelve days she's been in Georgia. She didn't care though. She kept her back turned to Emily, with her eyes closed. Beca felt the bed sink down and a hand came to rest on her arm. “Hey, B.” Beca opened her eyes to peer up at her through her eyelashes.

   “Hi.” She rasped, as she watched Emily take her appearance in. She knew that the dark circles under her eyes didn't need the poor lighting to look as bad as they did, and that her face probably looked slimmer than it's supposed to, due to the unhealthy weight loss she's been experiencing.

   “I heard you were in town, and Randy said you were staying here.” She explained softly, going around the obvious grief in her features, rubbing her arm up and down in a soothing manner. Then, a small tinge of guilt tugged at her smile and she sighed. “He told me what happened.”

   “Figures.” Beca mumbled, despondently. She closed her eyes again, trying to focus on the darkness enveloping her.

   “Are you mad?” Emily asked her cautiously.

   “No.” The silence continued and Emily stayed there, running her hand up and down her arm and leg, remaining mostly still and quiet.

   “I'm really sorry, Beca.” She breathed in deeply, already aware of the tears stinging the corners of her eyes.

   “Don't.” She warned with the steadiest voice she could muster.

   “Okay.” She replied simply, to not upset her. Instead of pushing further, she walked around the other side of her bed, and climbed underneath the covers with her, and she held her. She pressed a kiss to her temple and it was like pulling the pin off a grenade. Emily pulled her closer, as her sobs shook the bed violently, only offering up two words to calm the storm: “It's okay.”

   Hours later, Beca wasn't sure when exactly she fell asleep, but all she knew was that Emily was still wrapped around her and that her mouth was inexplicably dry, and her head throbbed with pain. She shifted in Emily's arms, causing her to adjust herself in a more comfortable position too. She looked up at Emily, with sleep still in her eyes, and a furrowed brow. “Hey.”

   “Hey.” Emily said easily, with a small smile. Beca smacked her lips and glanced around the room without moving her head to avoid immanent nausea. “Thirsty?”

   “Yeah.” Emily leaned back to the end table and grabbed the water bottle that wasn't there before. She handed it to her and Beca sloppily drank it, chugging it down to the last drop, feeling the wet spot on the collar of her shirt from where she spilled.

   She laid there breathing, trying to decide if she was experiencing a bad hangover or if it was just the heartbreak slowly killing her from the inside. She stopped comparing the two because heartbreak was basically one big hangover.

   “Beca?” Emily interrupted her thoughts and looked down at her with a hopeful expression. She hummed and closed her eyes, listening to the slow pitter patters on the roof. It was raining.

   “How would you feel about getting some take out? Maybe we could watch something on your laptop?” Beca thought about it, thinking about the lack of human contact she's had other than her brother in passing and the man at the liquor store. Maybe this would be nice.

   She hesitantly nodded, feeling like her brain was too heavy to contain inside her skull as her head jerked only slightly. “Great,” Emily chewed her lip nervously. “But I'm gonna ask you to do one thing for me okay?” Beca breathed in slowly, trying to stop the spit running up to her mouth.

   “Okay.”

   “Can you take a shower for me? And after you wash your hair, I can braid it the way you like?” Beca inwardly kicked herself for being so pathetic. Emily was two years younger than her, she shouldn't have to see her falling apart like this, offering to take care of her. She looked at her, so worried and concerned, it hurt Beca's heart.

   “Okay.” That made Emily smile. She helped Beca get out of bed after noticing her very wobbly knees and the pale look on her face. Eventually, after vomiting, she felt slightly better enough to shower. And as she stood under the water head, the water poured over her, washing away the smells of sadness and spilled alcohol.

   Usually she would listen to music as she showered or she would sing, but she could only listen to the water swirling down the drain as she massaged the soap into her scalp. It all goes down the drain eventually, Beca thinks. Hard work, relationships, platonic or romantic, it all goes away and new things come.

   Things come and go, but one can never say how long they stand under the water, maybe until pruney skin appeared or the hot water ran cold, either way, it's still going. It's not until Beca finds herself sobbing under a stream of ice water that she decides to get out before she catches a cold.

   The water drains, and Beca watches the small river looping around the silver ring before leaking down. She shook her head at herself, and dried off and tugged on the clean clothes she'd been supplied because behind the door was Emily, waiting to braid her hair.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna say this just in case, but there will be _NO_ Bemily just the awesome BROTP that is there.
> 
> Song rec: What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr


	9. I'm The One

* * *

  _May 21st, 2010_

   Chloe honestly didn't know how it happened. It still seemed like a dream she couldn't wake up from, it was just so surreal. Chloe adjusted her corsage and stood next to Tom, watching Beca across the dance floor. She looked amazing in her dark blue dress, she never expected Beca to agree to go to prom. Chloe wanted to go talk to her, but she didn't want to interrupt her - or _them_ \- so she stayed next to her date.

   Beca agreed to go to the Valentine's Day dance, they were going as friends, and Aubrey had pulled her away for some pictures and to dance, and she'd left Beca alone at their table. She'd lost track of time and when she looked for her again, she saw her standing across from Calamity Jones, and she was just about to fight through the crowd when she saw them kiss.

    It felt terrible, like someone reached into her chest and ripped out her lungs. It's the same feeling she got while watching Beca double over in laughter at something _Calamity_ said, not something Chloe had said.

   Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper began to play, and she let herself be led by Tom onto the dance floor. She had her arms around his neck, and she looked into his eyes, but she knew she didn't want to see brown, she wanted to see midnight gunmetal shining back at her, so she laid her head on his shoulder. They swayed back and forth, and then she spotted Beca and Calamity in the corner.

   Calamity whispered something in her ear and Beca nodded, and Calamity walked away toward the exit, snatching her jacket off a chair. Beca was going to leave with her. The thought made Chloe's spit sour and acidic like stomach acid, she hated that Beca was going to leave, probably to the hotel room Calamity had got them where Beca would do ‘ _it’_ for the first time, and they would probably be together for the rest of their lives, and get married and have beautiful little brunette children that would refer to Chloe as Auntie Chloe, and they would live happily ever after with their dozens of grandkids and their family dog, all while Chloe watched from the sidelines without any significant role in her life other than the best friend from high school.

   She felt a few tears slip as the song ended, and she pried herself away from Tom's arms. “Is everything okay?”

   “What?” She asked, too exaggerated to be convincing. “Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to the ladies room really quick.” And just like that, she left a cloud of dust behind her in the rush to get to a private place.

   As soon, and she got to the bathroom, and the heavy door shut behind her, she leaned against it and closed her eyes, head tilted up toward the ceiling like if she were bathing in the horrid fluorescent lighting. “Shit.” She breathed, pushing off the door to stand in front of the sink. She couldn't understand what was happening to her. Maybe it was just the panic of graduation being the next day and having to move forward with her life as an adult. Sure. She'll go with that.

   Suddenly, the bathroom door swung open, and Chloe was quick to pretend like she had been washing her hands. A bundle of laughter pushed through the threshold and slowly came to a stop as they realized they weren't alone. There, only three feet away was Beca and Emily, looking at her with opened mouthed smiles, that gradually closed with the seconds that passed. “Hey, Chlo.”

   “Hey, Becs, Em.” They stood like that a little longer, but then Chloe was reminded of the cold water running on her hands. She used the back of her wrist to close the faucet and she ripped some paper towels from the dispenser. Emily then shyly side stepped to a stall and started to do her business. “Having fun?” Chloe asked her, in an effort to be friendly and collected.

   “Yeah,” Beca said breathlessly, making Chloe's heart clench for unknown reasons. “You?”

   “For sure, I'm having a blast.” She said, bobbing her head a little too long. Beca walked past her to look in the mirror. Just in case, like if to confirm her doubts, Chloe cleared her throat and asked her: “Are you doing anything after this? A group of us were planning to go The Fortune Cookie in Aubrey’s limo?” Beca smiled at her through her reflection and hummed.

   “Actually, Calamity and I are going to the party at Donald's lake house with Emily and them.” She leaned forward, swiping at the lip gloss just slightly off her bottom lip. Chloe found herself mesmerized by the simple act, but she blamed it on the weird mood she'd been feeling.

   “Oh,” she chirped. “That sounds fun…” She trailed off. She looked at her toes and then she breathed out, looking back up to the mirror. “Well, I don't want to keep Tom waiting, but, um, did you still want to have breakfast tomorrow?”

   “Of course, Benny's?”

   “Duh, where else?” they chuckled. For a second, it felt like she was okay. Like it was just a groggy memory of a strange dream. But then she remembered that Beca was dating Calamity, and that Emily was peeing in the first stall, and was able to hear their awkward conversation. “Well, have fun.”

   “You too, Chloe.” Beca smiled again, softer this time, and she stepped away from the sink as Emily went to wash her hands. Chloe walked out of the bathroom, clutching her chest, feeling like she couldn't breathe anymore. She knew there were tears in her eyes, but she blinked them away before they could spill over again. She forced a smile onto her face, even though she felt far from smiling, and she walked back to her table and sat down next to Tom, while he told a wild story to one of their classmates.

   After a couple of minutes, she watched Beca walk out of the bathroom, and stand behind Calamity with her hands covering her eyes. Whoever Calamity guessed it was, made Beca laughed and playfully slap her shoulder. What happened next made her feel sick; Beca held the sides of her face and tilted her head sideways, to put a sweet kiss on her lips. Calamity's hand snaked up into her hair, and Beca swiped her thumb back and forth on her jaw.

   The whole thing was just too much for Chloe to witness, so she turned back to Tom and laughed as everyone else laughed. She did acknowledge one thing though. This feeling she felt, of being sick and unable to breathe, like coming off of roller coaster with a swirling stomach, wasn't nerves and anxiety about the future, or a weird dream, or just a weird and out of place feeling. It was something bigger.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: I'm The One by DJ Khaled
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr


	10. Unconditionally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy St. Patrick's Day

* * *

  _February 17th, 1998_

   The light poured in through the crack between the curtains of the living room window. Chloe dragged Beca in every direction she could, never quite letting go of Beca's hand. It made her giggle along, uncontrollably, and smile so wide her face felt like it was going to crack open.

   But this time, Beca dragged Chloe up to the attic and opened her backpack. “Chloe, look what I got!” She whispered. She pulled open the bag to reveal a bundle of white lace and silk.

   “What is that?” Chloe asked, curiously touching the material, reverently. Beca pulled it out completely, taking a few steps back to show her.

   “It's my m-mom's bed-bedding dress!”

   "It's so pretty!” Chloe held up the end and looked under and around it like it had extra features. “I think _my_ mom has one too!” Beca grinned wide and giggled like she was up to no good.

   “Let's play the married game?” Chloe gasped and squealed, running to Beca to throw her arms around her.

   “I'll be back, I have to get the wife dress!” Beca laughed and nodded, as she watched Chloe go back down the steps out of the attic. She looked at the dress against herself in the mirror and she ungracefully stepped inside, and shimmied it up her body. The sleeves bunched up unevenly on her elbows and her wrists, and her feet were completely hidden by the skirt of the dress. Satisfied with her work, she stood next to the window, near the couch, and waited for Chloe.

   “I got it!” Chloe came crawling back up the stairs on all fours, in a huge white dress, with her yellow t-shirt coming out from the straps of the dress. She stopped in front of Beca and sucked in one big breath. “Wow!” Feeling uncomfortable under Chloe's stare, little Beca shifted and tilted her chin up and frowned hard.

   “What?” She challenged. Chloe smiled and giggled.

   “You look pretty.” Beca blushed and hummed. She looked at Chloe and the way her bright red hair laid against the dress in one thick french braid.

   “You too.” Chloe said her thanks and quickly moved to stand next to her. “How d-do we play this?”

   “I think you're 'sposed to ask me to be married.”

   “Oh…” Beca responded. She saw a movie once with people getting married, and they always held hands, so Beca reached for Chloe's hands and looked at her seriously. “Chloe, will you be m-married to me?”

   “Yes!” Chloe exclaimed, excitedly. Then she looked at Beca seriously. “Beca, will you be married to me too?”

   “Yes!” Beca grinned. “N-now what?”

   “Um…” Chloe let go of her hands and thought about it. “We're 'sposed to kiss now.” And without warning, Chloe smacked a kiss on Beca's cheek. Unaffected by it, Beca just held onto her shoulders and kissed her cheek back.

   “But w-wait,” Beca frowned, in deep thought. “My momma has a-a ring.” Chloe gasped and tugged on her hand.

   “Mine too, but… we don't, huh?” Beca tried to figure something out, but then she remembered the green sea turtle bracelet she had and she pulled the dress all the way up her waist to dig her fist into her pocket to fish it out.

   “I got this?” Chloe saw and nodded. She held her hand out for Beca and let her slip it on. “Okay, and now we dance!” She grabbed Chloe's hand and awkwardly put her other hand on her upper arm, not knowing the proper way to slow dance. They swayed back and forth for a long time and Chloe looked at her with a quizzical expression.

   “Are you always gonna be my friend?” Beca nodded and smiled.

   “Yeah, are you gonna always be mines?” Chloe nodded once, firmly, and smiled wide at her.

   “Yeah, always.” Then, again, out of nowhere, Chloe smacked another kiss on Beca's nose, and Beca stepped back, wiping her face.

   “Chloe!” And the little redheaded girl just laughed and ran to the opposite end of the attic, making Beca chase after her.

   Both wedding dresses were filthy, and Beca never found that turtle bracelet after that day.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Unconditionally by Katy Pery
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr


	11. Sick Of Losing Soulmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is gonna get depressing again.

* * *

  _June 28th, 2010_

   The faint sounds of summer flew through the air and the hot Georgia sun beat down on Beca, as she carried a couple boxes down the front steps of her house. She was close to being officially moved out, a high school graduate, on her way to Los Angeles. Her mother sat in her room, unable to come out to see her last child leave the nest. It made Beca want to cry too, leaving behind the place she grew up and the people she knew. It was all apart of Cathartic Mondays, she thought.

   “Hey, babe, did you get the last box of vinyls?” She turned around to see Calamity, with sweat streaking down her face, and a furrowed brow sitting on top of her aviators. She gulped and shook her head, making her girlfriend chuckle.

   “Um, no, check my closet, please?”

   “On it.” With a cocky smirk, Calamity turned fast on her feet and jogged back into the house. Beca didn't even know how it happened, but Calamity was a pretty great person to be with. She was funny, and flirty, sweet, so very sweet. She could definitely learn to love her and adore her, with time. 

   Calamity was no Chloe, but there was something about being wanted and cared for in a way Chloe didn't that lured her in. The feeling of not having to hide who she was kept her there. Calamity is an amazing girl, with an amazing personality, and there's a ball in Beca's throat that she thinks might be happiness. It might be love. Not like Chloe love, but Calamity love.

   “Hey.” Beca's movements faltered for a moment, and she slid the box at her fingertips further into the bed of Calamity's truck. She turned around to see Chloe, shyly standing there, with her ankles crossed, and holding her midsection. The stance was so unlike the Chloe she knows, so Beca gave her a genuine smile to put her at ease.

   “Hey, Chlo.” It didn't work. “If you came to help me pack, you might be a little late.” She winked, trying to bring a smile out. Chloe looked down at the ground, and let a small smirk take on her lips.

   “Sorry, I would've come earlier, but Aubrey wanted to have lunch.”

   “It's all good, no worries, Calamity came to help.” she didn't notice the way Chloe's jaw clenched. “So, are you just gonna-”

   “Are you happy, Beca?” Beca frowned, perplexed by the question. She considered it for a minute, reflecting on recent things like Calamity and deciding to move to LA. Life wasn't _horrible_ and things were okay for the first time in a long time.

   “Well, yeah, I mean, things are pretty good right now, you know, I'm in a good place-”

   “But are you happy?” Beca just watched a veil of sadness fall on her face and the way she let her shoulders slump. She rolled her lips and her eyes welled with tears, Beca felt the need to reach out, but she couldn't move. Chloe let out a humorless chuckle and dropped her arms to her sides. “Cause I'm not.” 

   “Why?” Beca asked, with a dry mouth, and lead tongue.

   “You.” Chloe's answer made the entire world halt, and Beca's heart stutter. An immediate silence seemed to take on the block, layering the tension thick between them.

   “What?” Her voice was barely audible, even in her own ears, all she could hear was a ringing like after an explosion.

   “Because of you.” Chloe whispered back. “I couldn't figure it out for so long, and that night…” she paused and swallowed, her tears falling freely now. “When you kissed her, I didn't…” she huffed out another breath and wiped her nose as she sniffled. “I didn't understand.”

   “You didn't understand what?” Beca stood across from her, trying to translate everything that was being said at sloth pace.

   “This feeling, in my chest, i-in my bones…” She held her hand against her chest and furrowed her brow in agony. “In my heart, Beca.” She said nothing, still not understanding what Chloe was trying to tell her, she felt the ground slipping out from under her feet, like if she were floating off to space. Then, Chloe stepped forward, creating less distance between them.

   “I felt it all when I saw you kiss her, and I finally understand why I couldn't watch it happen because you…” she stopped and stepped even closer, making Beca tense up. She felt her breath on her nose, and the toes of her shoes touched Beca's. Her eyes looked so painfully sad, but the only thing Beca could feel was confused, she couldn't understand for the life of her what she was trying to tell her.

   “Beca,” her voice brought Beca back to where she stood next to the curb, toe to toe with Chloe. “I'm…” she noticed the way Chloe's gaze dropped down to her lips, and out of habit she couldn't help but do the same.

   “I'm in love with you.” Then, as if someone turned the gravity back on, everything came crashing back down to the earth, to reality to where Beca would never cheat and nothing Chloe just said made any sense, and she quickly stepped away, putting three feet between them again.

   “What?” she asked incredulously. Chloe wrung out her hands in front of her, and looked at her with tear stained cheeks.

   “I'm in love with you, Beca.” She felt her heart clench and flutter at the same time, she wanted to yell and scream, and jump for joy too, but everything was too muddled to act on, so she stood there, completely still.

   “I…”

   “You don't have to say anything,” Chloe hurried out. “I just wanted to tell you because I felt like I'd die if I didn't let you know before it was too late-”

   “‘Too late’?” Beca laughed bitterly. “' _Before_ it was too late’, I have a girlfriend, Chloe!” she ran both hands through her hair to give her something to do, and she turned around. She closed her eyes and tried to picture herself literally anywhere else, but everywhere she imagined had Chloe beside her. Though it was ideal, it wasn't reality. Reality was inside the house, looking for the last box of records like she asked.

   “Say something.” She heard Chloe's teary, meek voice say from behind her.

   “Say what?” She asked, not understanding what Chloe was asking of her.

   “I don't know, something, anything, just please…” she opened her eyes, surprised to feel cool streaks down her cheeks. “Tell me what you feel.”

   She turned around, now standing beside the bed of the truck, she looked inside to see a box there labeled “sentimentals”. She stared at the way her “s” looped a little at the bottom, and her “e” curled into the “n”. She breathed in deeply, smelling the fresh cut grass coming from the neighbors lawn and the sunscreen that dripped with the sweat down her neck.

   “I don't know what I feel, Chloe.” She lied, knowing that all there was in her heart was conflict. “I just know that this is so unfair...” She paused and curled her lips, desperately wishing for a cigarette to appear in between her fingers. “To everyone...”

   “Why?”

   “Because I loved you too.” she whispered in a hushed voice. She watched Chloe's face, as she was stunned into silence. “For years.”

   “Do you still?” it hurt her that her voice sounded so hopeful because it wasn't so simple.

   “I don't know.” she mumbled, looking away from her.

   “What do you mean, you don't know?”

   “It means I don't know, Chloe!” She snapped. She pinched the bridge of her nose and let out an airy hiss. “There's somebody else involved, and someone's gonna get hurt.” She reasoned. Beca swallowed and let her own tears fall.

   “I finally let my hair down, and I found someone great who helps me accept the person I am and it's good and... I'm supposed to be-” she stopped suddenly and her breath caught in her throat. "Happy." She muttered, with a distant voice.

   “Are you?” Chloe asked once more.

   “Chloe...” she swallowed the lie, like swallowing a dry pill and Chloe stood there, with an expression of defeat riddled across her face. She knew that this love would be the thing that set them apart, but she didn't think the end would come so soon.

   “Do you love her?” Chloe asked, looking down at the middle ground between them.   

   Beca opened her mouth, but the words died in the back of her throat when Calamity hollered from the steps: “I finally found it!” she walked over to them, saying something about having to ask her mother and then looking inside the shed, and finding it under a bunch of other boxes for seasonal decorations.

   She stopped just a few feet short of them, with the box resting on her hip. “Hey, Chloe, late to the party I see.” She joked. When Beca looked back to see her, a friendly smile was in place of the frown that had just been there.

   “Yeah, sorry, I just came by to visit the house one last time before we all leave, you know.” Calamity nodded in understanding and put the box in the truck, and then throwing an arm over Beca's shoulder.

   Beca could feel Calamity's eyes on the side of her face, and then she asked: “You okay, babe?” She nodded and pressed her mouth into a tight lipped smile.

   “Yeah, I'm fine, Cals, just feeling really emotional today.” Calamity nodded and pressed a kiss to her temple. A kiss that Beca felt awful for, because Chloe stood there watching. She knew the feeling too well.

   She promised that they'd be friends forever, but it felt like they were strangers again, with universes between them.

   Later that night, at the Going Away party, Calamity drunkenly tells her she loves her and Beca cries herself to sleep.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Sick of Losing Soulmates by Dodie Clark
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr


	12. Rock Bottom

* * *

  _March 17th, 2018_

   The bar was loud and full of people, not many she knew except for the one table in the far corner. St. Patty's was more of a party holiday than any other holiday. People partied in and out of bars and pubs, drenched in green and pretending to be Irish just for the hell of it since everyone liked to pretend they're good people on Christmas and Easter. And though Beca is of Irish decent, she pushed aside the “Kiss me, I'm Irish” t-shirt that Cynthia Rose set on the table in front of her with a “no, thank you."

   “Come on, girl! Get festive!” She laughed and shook her head.

   “I'm good.” she slid out of the booth and knocked on the table. “I'll be back, I'm gonna get another drink.” Cynthia Rose nodded, and Beca started on her way.

   There was a thick and hot air floating around the bar, and it made Beca anxious and uncomfortable to be so close to so many people, having to brush past them and put hands on them to get by.

   It made a sticky feeling crawl up her throat, the way everyone was just so sweaty and grimey. A bar was the last place she wanted to be, and the mini fridge in her room was calling her name, but she was there because what else could she be doing?

   Definitely not wallowing and crying, and trying to write music that had absolutely nothing to do with heartbreak. Even the new script she'd been looking over had heartbreak involved, between the protagonist and their love interest, and themselves. She needed to be away and done with it, away and done with all the aches and pains of the biggest heartbreak she's ever felt.

   So, here she was, in a crowded bar in New York, wearing green pants and a four leafed clover painted just under the corner of her right eye, at the courtesy of her stylist, Flo. “Can I get two Irish Car Bombs and a shot of Jameson?”

   “Sure thing, lassy!” The bartender exaggerated a fake accent and Beca gave him tight lipped smile. She leaned against the bar, and then somebody pinched her bottom, hard. She gasped and turned around, ready to get scrappy, but instead she laughed and rolled her eyes.

   “Of course,” she nodded. “Of course!” She threw her hands up, and then crossed them over her chest, with a challenging stare. “I'm wearing green, you know.”

   “Oh, I know.” Beca rolled her eyes and laughed. Of course she would fondle her, shamelessly, in a public place. “You just look so good in those pants, I couldn't contain myself.” She winked salaciously, and slipped an arm around Beca's waist. Beca wriggled away and laughed.

   “Keep your hands to yourself, Stacie Conrad!” She shoved her and invited her in for a hug. “What are you doing here?”

   “We just moved here about a month ago, and Jessica spotted you in the corner.”

   “Yeah, I'm just having a drink with a few friends from work before I go back to LA.” Stacie nodded and Beca cleared her throat. “So, how's the girlfriend?”

   “Um, wife actually.”

   “Oh, right, yeah, I heard you guys tied the knot after school.” She held up her hand and showed Beca the rock on her ring finger. “Jesus, how do you walk straight with that thing on?”

   “I know, right?” The pleasantries went back and forth until Stacie got her drinks.

   “Come say hi to the girls, all they could talk about was you and Chicago Walp.” She laughed and followed her, and then she called out to the two women sitting at a dim lit boot. “Look what I found!” The two blondes turned around.

   “Hey, guys.” Beca said shyly. Aubrey was the first one to slip out of the booth. Two strong arms closed around her and she was smothered by the smell of wild flowers and the softest hint of beer. A hug was the last thing she'd expected, but it wasn't totally unwelcomed.

   “Hi, Beca.” Aubrey said, pulling away and holding her out by her biceps.

   “Hey, Aubrey.” She felt like if Aubrey let go, she would rock back and fall, so she let her keep hands on her just a little longer until she was sure that she wouldn't collapse. “It's been a while.”

   “Yeah, it has.” An awkward silence took place between them, not having much to talk about. The one thing they have in common wasn't exactly available to fill the gap in the conversation. Luckily, before things could get any more tense, the bartender waved her over.

   “Oh, it looks like my drinks-drink is, um, ready so,” she kissed her teeth and she bobbed her head once. “I'm gonna go… do that.”

   “Okay,” Aubrey nodded, alongside Stacie. “Hurry back.” She said with a kind smile. Beca nodded and turned back to the bar, and started on her way. She drummed her fingers on the wood and then the bartender came to stand right across from her.

   “Jameson first, or the Irish Car Bombs?”

   “Jameson.” He poured the shot and slid it over to her. She threw in back and hissed as it seeped down her throat. The bartender cheered her and then quirked a challenging eyebrow.

   “You ready?”

   “Always.” She winked and he laughed, putting the first glass of Guinness on the bar in front of her.

   “I like you!” and then, before she knew it a slender and pale shot was plopped into the dark matter, and she was forced to drink before it curdled. The small group around her laughed to see such sport and she let out a low belch. “Next one?”

   “Hit me.” he poured her another pint of Guinness, and she knew that with her small stature and the lack of much response, she was attracting a crowd. The next one was down with a sort of practiced ease, as if her heart and throat worked together to remember that she'd felt worse burns than this, so alcohol should not hurt her so.

   Soon, people were buying her more drinks, offering them to her and watching her destroy the challenge. She was watched like a street performer, or an oddity with bizarre talents.

   Cynthia Rose and Flo proudly joined the crowd, letting others know that she belonged to their group, almost as if saying : “Look at our friend. Look, what she can do!”.

   She felt everything sinking down to her stomach, feeling that lull of drunken brain slowing her down, she wanted to have fun like everybody else, but all she felt was empty and dizzy. “I'm gonna go get some air.” She said into Cynthia Rose's ear. She was just about to step out when Stacie spotted her near the door.

   “Going so soon?” When Stacie got close enough to smell her, her smile became amused and there was a smug quality to her eyes. “You're totally shit faced, aren't you?” Beca couldn't fight it, and maybe it was the thought of being released to the outside of the bar that made her put both thumbs up and smirk crookedly.

   “Yep.” Stacie laughed, and stared at Beca, and by the looks of it she could tell Stacie could see that things were not all honky dory, but she didn't say anything, instead she jerked her head to the direction she came from.

   “Wanna come sit for a while?” Beca shook her head, and jutted her thumb out behind her.

   “Was actually gonna get some air, but I'll be back soon or whatever.” she slurred. Stacie smiled at her, with sympathy and nodded once.

   “Okay.” Beca saluted her and scampered out the door, with frigid air chilling her sweat slicked skin instantly.

   She walked to the side of the building and leaned on the wall, taking in shallow breaths, feeling her stomach swirl and twist in itself. It wasn't smart to drink so much in a city she wasn't totally familiar with, but sometimes the pain was too awful to bear sober.

   That was a different can of worms though, and she didn't want to crack it open while she stood on the sidewalk, trying to swallow down the sour before it came back up.

   Usually, Beca hated putting up a front, after becoming so comfortable with herself and the people around her, she hated not being honest with them, but everyone still treated her like Jenga tower, waiting to collapse. She wanted to be okay, even though she wasn't, just in front of people.

   She wanted to keep up with regular appearances and keep those regular appearances _regular_ and not filled with pity and pointless apologies. She didn't want that from anybody, all she wanted was to be okay.

   No, that wasn't true. What she really wanted was Chloe. She wanted her to be there when she woke up, and to go grocery shopping with her. She wanted to worry about Chloe going through her drawers because of the ring box hidden underneath all the socks and underwear, or Chloe proposing to her first because she had a whole scheme planned out.

   She wanted that, and she's wanted that since they were kids, but she wasn't prepared to wait for Chloe to breathe in her direction. If only she could have waited it out a little longer, maybe Chloe would see her, and hear her, and things would've been fine. Beca knew she probably wouldn't have, and things wouldn't be fine, but the truth hurts more than the possibility of what could've happened.

   “Beca?” her muscles tensed and she tried to focus on her breathing. This always happened when she drank, she would hear her voice, like if she were in the same room. It killed Beca. Only she thought it was some sort of bizarre and painful hallucination, until a hand settled on her shoulder. She jerked, and her eyes shot open, and she pushed off the wall immediately.

   “It's okay, it's just me.” Chloe held up both hands as if she were approaching a wild animal.

   Her bright blue eyes shone through the darkness, and pierced right through Beca. “What are you doing here?” She blurted out. Beca knew that she could read the pain on her face, and she knew that Chloe was struggling to keep her distance and not reach out to the woman she loved once. She could see it all there, the same way Chloe could see these things too.

   “I was visiting and I came to have drinks with Aubrey.” A confused look knitted her eyebrows and she slowly shook her head. Surely, Aubrey wouldn't have been so kind if she'd heard about what happened between them. “I didn't tell her…” Chloe explained, probably having seen the bewilderment on her face.

   “Why?” She didn't want to know why, but she also knew that she really did and she was lying to herself again. Chloe rolled her lips and tore her gaze away from Beca and looked out to the street.

   After thirty seconds, Chloe turned back with a passive and neutral expression. “I saw you on Fallon tonight, you were really good.”

   “Chloe,” she ignored the distraction and pressed for an answer. “Why didn't you tell her?” Her voice wasn't harsh and spat out with vengeance. It was perplexed and inquisitive. Why _wouldn't_ Chloe tell Aubrey they'd broken up? Chloe told Aubrey everything.

   Chloe picked at her red nail polish, chipping it and leaving small red flakes on her hands. She looked between her hands and Beca, as if trying to decide which task would be more tedious, scratching off all her nail polish or giving Beca an answer. Beca raised her eyebrows, expectantly.

   Chloe sighed and looked at her, guiltily. “I…” she froze and licked her lips. “I thought that maybe… I'd be able to find my way back to you.” the words shot through Beca, punching the gaping hole wider and making the hurt ripple through her body.

   “Chloe…”

   “I know,” Chloe interrupted. “I know, it's over, but…” she watched her blink away tears and her throat bob. “I didn't- I don't want it to be.”

   “Please,” Beca whispered, feeling the cold air cool the hot tears running down her cheeks. “Don't do this. Not now.”

   “Then when?” Chloe asked. “When am I supposed to tell you that I don't want to do this anymore?”

   “Before I left!” Beca snapped. “You should've told me this before I left, but you just let me leave.” Chloe shook her head, but Beca kept going. “And I wasn't gonna turn around, and fall back into you, because all I was gonna do was wait around, and you didn't care.” the very clear and vivid feeling she felt while crossing over the threshold of their condo, lugging her suitcase behind her, hit her like a ton of bricks. She almost couldn't breathe.

   “That's not true,” Chloe argued. “I cared. It took every ounce of me not to apologize every five minutes because _you_ said to never apologize for my dreams, and I didn't want to disappoint you if I couldn't do it.”

   “I never wanted any apologies,” Beca laughed, sadly. “I wanted you to share your dreams with me, to include me in whatever it was you decided to chase. I wanted to be part of it, but you pushed me away, and you didn't care how it hurt.”

   “And I'm sorry for that.”

   “So you've said.” Beca sniffled, feeling her stomach lurch. “I'm sorry too.” Chloe raised her hand to wipe her eyes and Beca caught a glimpse of something green on her wrist.

   When the realization hit her, she felt a new pang of hurt in her chest and she rolled her lips before speaking again. “Is that my bracelet?” Chloe's movements halted and a sheepish look appeared on her face.

   “Yeah… it is…”

   “You still have it?” Beca asked dumbly.

   “I've had it since you gave it to me… I couldn't get rid of it.” Chloe toyed with it and looked up at Beca with sad eyes. “It's the only piece of you I have left.” Beca stared at her forever, feeling her words sink into her skin and root themselves deeply in her.

   The only wrong thing about her statement was that Chloe held every piece of her in her hands, even after everything that has happened. It was one of the reasons Beca had left, because if Chloe had all of her, then how much of herself did she have left. Even then, the small corners of her heart that she claimed for herself were unrecognizable.

   Beca clenched her eyes shut to turn off her thoughts and she shook her head. “I'm sorry, I… I need to go.” She began walking away, she didn't even know where she was going, her hotel was in the opposite direction.

   “Beca, wait!” Chloe grabbed her wrist, and she spun around to face her, and she felt her stomach lurch again. Chloe brought her face to Beca's and firmly kissed her. All she could see behind her eyelids was the ocean, and the sun in the bright blue sky, making the water sparkle below.

   It wasn't until the swirling in her stomach began fighting it's way up her throat that she pushed Chloe off to turn into the alley between the bar and the apartment complex next to it.

   She felt everything coming up all at once and before she knew it, her rancid stomach contents reappeared for an encore. Beca had thought Chloe had left her there, to be sick by herself in the alley, but she felt a soothing hand rubbing between her shoulders blades, and she watched Chloe's green turtle bracelet-clad wrist moving her hair away from her face.

   “It's okay, I got you.” she would've smiled at that if her mouth wasn't currently occupied.

   “I'm sorry…” Beca panted. “Sorry, I didn't mean to… do that.” She stood up straight and accepted the crumpled tissue Chloe offered her. She wiped the corners of her mouth and closed her eyes to try and stop the world from spinning.

   When she opened them, Chloe was still there, with a protective hand on her back, staring at her like she was the best thing since Betty White even though she'd just blew chunks in front of her.

   “Are you okay?” she nodded and tossed the napkin to the side.

   “Yeah, yeah… thanks.”

   “Well, can I buy you a water? We can talk?” Her hopeful voice made Beca remember her warm lips and soft touch. She wanted to love her again. She gave her a small smile and ducked her head slightly.

   “Sure.”

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song rec: Rock Bottom by Hailee Steinfeld ft. DNCE
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr

**Author's Note:**

> Song rec: Tell Me You Love Me by Demi Lovato
> 
> Good? Bad? Somewhere in between? Let me know.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr
> 
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/ifionlyhadmorepaper


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